Thursday, January 25, 2007

Joey Gibbering Elects to “Go Native”

Joey Gibbering, a lifelong resident of Edmonton, Alberta, decided this week to “go native” after watching Mel Gibson’s film, Apocalypto. The comic book salesman wants to discard his khaki pants in favour of a loin cloth, stick a bone through his nose, and retreat to an idyllic village where he can hunt, fish, feast, and fornicate frequently.

“I am envious of the life of the savage,” said Gibbering when we caught up to him at the piercing shop, where the painful process of inserting a bone into his nose was just beginning. “I reject a life of materialism, convenience and comfort. From now on, I’m going to prance around fires, stare death in the face, sow my wild oats liberally, and howl to the moon.”

Gibbering was deeply moved by the early scenes of Apocalypto, which depicted the lives of plucky Jaguar Paw and has friends and family prior to being killed, maimed, raped or imprisoned by Mayan attackers. Gibbering even envies the savages that died, because “to die honourably” is “a good death.”

“I don’t want to slowly rot in a seniors’ home as nurses wipe drool from my face and excavate poop from my bottom,” said Gibbering. “If I’m going to die at all, I want to be shackled and led to the top of a Mayan temple, get my heart ripped out and shoved in my face so I can watch it still twitching, then get my head chopped off and kicked down the steps to the chanting crowd. That’s a heroic death.”

Gibbering also anticipates running breathlessly at the speed of a Geo Metro through the jungle, fleeing his pursuers for days at a time, stopping only to throw a beehive in self-defence or jump over a 100-foot waterfall or narrowly escape the vicious claws of a panther.

“Bring it on!” said Gibbering.

Gibbering wants to make it clear that unlike Smoke Frog in Apocalypto, he is not infertile. “My wang works. I’ve had two illegitimate children, and I’m only twenty-nine.”

Gibbering is currently seeking a woman who will expose her “sleek, tanned” breasts liberally and bear him many children and, if necessary, spend days living at the bottom off a pit waiting for him to return from his adventures, even if it means she must fend off howler monkeys and floodwater.

“Too many women these days lack that sense of romance,” said Gibbering. “If I’m going to become Panther Fang, I need my Mrs. Fang.”

Gibbering proceeded to leap out of the chair, tear off his clothes, revealing his loin cloth. As his bone piercing oozed blood, he ran around Kingsway Garden Mall shouting, “Where’s my Mrs. Fang? Think you’re woman enough for me? Look at my loincloth! I’ll eat a tapir raw.”

Gibbering then encountered his first danger as a savage. Two burly security guards blocked his path. Gibbering head-butted the first one but there was no beehive handy to throw at the other one. He found himself unceremoniously wrestled to the floor and sat upon by a 220-pound high school drop-out.

“Hanal!” yelled out Gibbering in his rudimentary Mayan. He kicked his naked legs.

“Police services have been called,” said the guard. “You better go quietly or else they will throw the book at you.”

“Where’s a cobra to bite your neck when I need one?” Gibbering lamented out loud.

Gibbering was released by the police later in the day. He is scheduled to appear in court next month on charges of assault, public mischief and public obscenity. He has been fired from Captain Comicbook.