Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Classic Rock is a Way of Life

After years of debate, it has now been scientifically proven by the StatistiCon Research Institute in Facegag, Alberta, that Classic Rock is a Way of Life. StatistiCon has found that practitioners of the Classic Rock Way of Life generally live in cities with corporate-owned radio stations that play “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, on average, eleven times per day. Classic Rock listeners do not physically differ from regular human beings except for their remarkable ability to repeatedly consume vast quantities of beer and guitar rock without expressing remorse or even nausea. It also has been hypothesized that the cognitive development of Classic Rock listeners ceases at sixteen years of age. This hypothesis is based on observations of otherwise seemingly normal adults becoming unusually animated upon listening to “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen for the eleven hundred and fifty-eighth time in their life. Further observations will be needed to turn this hypothesis into another Fact.

The M.o.M. followed a typical Classic Rock listener through a typical day to find out just why these people are so exciting – at least to marketing companies.

Case Study

Boiler-maker Vaughan Scott, aged 41, wakes up at 6am – which is earlier than he’d like. He often sleeps poorly on account of a bad back. Vaughn lives alone in his suburban bungalow in north-east Edmonton.

After coughing for two minutes, Vaughan trips over a few empty Budweiser bottles on his way to the bathroom, where he spends the next six minutes and twenty seconds urinating. Vaughan’s wife is currently filing for divorce and for sole custody of their three children, Millie, Dot, and Troy. Meanwhile, Vaughan grudgingly but dutifully pays the monthly $746 he owes in child support and, if he feels like it, takes his children to the shopping mall or treats them to dinner at Wendy’s Restaurant every now and then. On average, these family outings occur about once every seven weeks, a situation characterized by Vaughan as “OK” and by his son, Troy, as “more than enough.”

Vaughan plays online poker for twenty minutes and then visits a website called “Young Teen Cum Guzzlers” where he lingers for 12 minutes. After that, it’s time for a shower, a short drive to Arby’s to pick up a beef sandwich, and then onwards to DrudgeCo, a maintenance firm, where Vaughan has worked continuously for nine years, except for a short suspension last year for punching an apprentice in the mouth.

Vaughan neither excels at his job, nor does he botch it up so horribly that he, say, loses an arm or blows up the entire building. He furtively smokes a joint at lunch time – even sharing it when co-worker Jackson “Biggy” Smitz asks for a “hoot.”

“He wouldn’t be doing this if a reporter wasn’t watching,” says Smitz, enjoying a long toke.

“Shut up,” says Vaughan. “I got tickets to the Oilers tonight. I’ll share that with you, too.”

“What about your son, Troy?” inquires Smitz. “Wouldn’t he like to go?”

“Nah, I’m not taking him,” replies Vaughan. “He’s a fucking spoilt little shit. Last time I saw him, he made fun of Rush.”

There follows a fifteen-minute long defence of the legendary Canadian rock band, Rush. During the afternoon shift, Vaughan is observed smoking another joint by himself and then spending seventeen minutes taking a bowel movement. At the end of his shift, Vaughan asks Smitz if he wants to grab a drink at the bar before proceeding to Rexall Place to watch the Oilers “kick some ass.” Smitz reminds Vaughan that he has a wife and kids to go home to.

“Why didn’t you say so before?” says Vaughan. “Goddamit. Now I’ll be going to the goddam game by my goddam self. Fuck.”

But fortunately, this sad prediction does not come true. Vaughan stops in at his favourite watering hole, the Pig and Whistle, and finds his friend Jimmy, who is enthusiastic at the prospect of going to the game.

“One thing though,” says Vaughan. “You pay for the beers.”

Jimmy agrees but is distressed to find that by the end of the second period of the Oilers-Canadiens game that he has already spent $35 just on Vaughan’s beers. He announces, “I’m cuttin’ you off,” to which Vaughan replies, “Whatever.”

After the game (Oilers 1, Canadiens 4), Vaughan offers to drive Jimmy home in his 2002 Ford F150, provided they visit Showgirls strip club on the way. Jimmy is amenable to the idea. At Showgirls, Vaughan necks beers number seven through twelve and throws $7 and $12 in loonies at the vaginas of Judy and Chevron, respectively. On the drive to the Jimmy’s residence, Vaughan hits a Yield sign, but only “a little.” He is in his bed, comfortably passed out, by one in the morning, ready to “get up and rock” the next day, which is Saturday.

All in all, a Classic Rockin’ Day!