Thursday, January 25, 2007

Paddlesmack Resident Seeks to Join Fight with Drugs

Paddlesmack resident, Larry Melchyk, aged 39, has written to the premier of Alberta to offer his assistance in the “Fight With Drugs.” The M.o.M.’s source at the Alberta Government has provided us with a copy of this letter. We now print it in its entirety, thus committing our first-ever violation of Alberta's Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy (FOIP) Act.

Dear Premier Ed Stelmach:

As president of Canada’s “Meet Me at the Top” Clubs I want to inform you about some of the stuff I have been involved with to make sure Alberta kids don’t make some of the mistakes that I did when I was young and not smart like I am now. In local schoolyards here in Paddlesmack, I do workshops and sessions with kids warning them about some of the dangers of drugs like cocaine, marijuana, heroin, and the biggest menace of our times, crystal meth. I have an amazing rap pour with kids and so I can always find a way of making them respond to me.

Just a few words about my qualifications. I put on the Tribute Dinner for Wendy Dixie, the girl that got mauled by a grizzly bear. I also cheered Wendy on through her endurance race at the town fair log run. At the fair, my innovative new product of an ashtray that looks like a human skull was unveiled and a huge number of people thought it was a brilliant way of telling people that smoking can kill you.

What I propose now is no other than a total Fight With Drugs on every street corner and back alley in Alberta. I regret to inform you that this is a Fight that so far we have been losing. The drugs are winning, especially crystal meth. So many of our kids are hooked on this drug and our society risks becoming like zombies. Have you ever seen the effect of crystal meth on a healthy, normal, loving kid? One minute they are doing good in school and captain of the football team. The next minute they will chew off your face for another hit. Plus crystal meth scientifically puts holes in your brain. These holes can never be removed.

I have teamed up with health experts at the North American Centre for Disease Control (NACDC) through their advisor, Dr. Rodney Fields, at Washington DC, and discussed the neurobiological effects and the latest treatment methods. He is in agreement with me that we need to take some of these latest techniques into the Fight With Drugs in Alberta. I have not asked him yet, but I am sure that for a professional fee, he will personally come up here and oversee some of his strategies for helping kids get put in place. This is part of the reason why your help is so important, because “Meet Me at the Top” Clubs needs the funds to finance this.

But the Fight With Drugs doesn’t stop there. We also have to deal with the dealers who prey on young people like they are vultures. Have you ever met a dealer? I have. Believe me, they are not like you and I. They thrive on weakness and desperation. It’s like Shaking Hands with the Devil when you touch a drug dealer’s palm. Their blood is cold and their eyes are two black holes. I met a drug dealer once and I’m not in a hurry to repeat the experience.

What I’m saying is there is no point dealing with these people as if they are human beings. Canada’s justice system is a joke. So, you rape a woman eat her intestines? How about watching TV, smoking, and playing pool all day as a reward? All funded of course by Canadian Taxpayers. Sorry, but that doesn’t seem the best way to reward somebody who just went out of his way to rape a woman and eat her intestines. Nor is it a good way of rewarding somebody who just gave a kid some blow and has now enslaved that same kid for life.

You can’t be too tough on these people. Even execution isn’t tough enough. I recommend sending them to a country where they know how to deal with these types: Syria is a country that comes to mind. I’ve researched the things they do to criminals. Believe me, being forced to stay in a stress position for a day or two is no picnic. If Canada’s rich and privileged criminal drug dealers heard about even HALF of what goes on in a Syrian prison they would seriously think about getting another job!

These are just the very tips of the iceberg in my Fight With Drugs and is an overview of information I want to personally fill you in with when your busy schedule permits.

Keep it real and honest,


Larry Melchyk
President and CEO
“Meet Me at the Top” Clubs of Canada