Thursday, January 25, 2007

News Bullets of the Day

In a bid to keep pace with our media competitors and to boost our youth readership, the M.o.M. is getting rid of its usual investigative journalism format. No longer will we provide analysis, research, or any evidence to support any of the things we say. Nor will we provide hard news. We will provide news as soft as a mountain of guano.

Here are today's news bullets, aimed to fill your head with holes like a block of Swiss cheese.

We would run a photo of the famous heiress but alas, we cannot. So you’ll just have to imagine her face. Still with us?

Apparently, Paris Hilton is not fond of the baby that recently emerged from the womb of celebrity-pal, Katie Holmes. Ms. Hilton said the following:

“Everyone else admires it, but I think it’s a drooling, shitting, weird, alien-looking thing.”

Hilton has announced she won’t attend functions where babies are present because they divert too much attention from her.

“Everyone stands around cooing and aahing at this little sack of saliva, and meanwhile, I’m flashing my vagina! Everyone goes, ‘Paris, we’ve all seen that before.’ What the hell?”

Ozzie Hamilton of Alice Springs, Australia, has decided to become a kangaroo. For many years, he had envied the prancing, dancing marsupials as they flitted about the rugged outback. He was especially jealous because while kangaroos had seemingly unlimited freedom, he was stuck behind a desk in an insurance broker’s office doing little more than waiting to retire.

“I feel like a man reborn,” he said, as he climbed into his kangaroo suit. “I can’t wait to join my fellow kangas and jump around.”

Hamilton added that he is dissatisfied with the foreign policy of the Australian government, especially its unwavering support for the war in Iraq.

“Once I’m a kangaroo, I won’t have to watch this tragedy unfold every night on my television screen. I’ll be busy eating grass and shrubs. I advise anyone who can’t handle the unrelenting negativity of politics to become a kangaroo. Or maybe a wombat.”

StatistiCon, the well-endowed research institute based in Facegag, Alberta, has just confirmed what many have suspected all along. Immediately following a successful haircut, respondents reported experiencing an average 34% increase in self esteem. However, following an unsuccessful haircut, respondents experienced a 66% drop in self-esteem.

“The stakes are clearly very high,” explained StatistiCon researcher. “Get the right haircut, and you’ll be filled with bonhomie and buoyant good spirits. Get the wrong haircut, and you might end up having to double your Prozac intake.”

Today's unsolicited opinion of the day comes from Jack Payton of Gagandrape, Alberta. He wants to draw everyone's attention to the issue of smoking in public places.

"I know the new goverment (sic) wants to ban smoking everywhere now and I'm asking, when exactly did Alberta become communist? I never voted to go communist. Why can't people do what they want? My kid's got better sense than those suits in Edmonton. This fragrant (sic) disregard for the rights of smoker's (sic) is no laughing matter."

Jack Payton's doctor informed the M.o.M. that the 49 year-old welder has advanced emphysema as well as throat cancer, so it looks like death will have the last laugh!

A new poll commissioned by CNBC has found that only 3% of North Americans can find Iran on a map and an equal number need a map to find their own ass. But the good news is that a healthy 100% of North Americans plan on eating this week, which contrasts favourably to the paltry 60% of Burundians who will eat this week.

And that was the day that was!