Thursday, January 25, 2007

Bush Announces New Iraq Strategy to Supplement Last Week’s Strategy

Frustrated by the lacklustre response to his announcement of a new Iraq strategy last week, President George W. Bush has announced another new strategy. At a hastily-scheduled press conference held in front of a Black Hawk helicopter in a hanger at Ramstein Air Base, Germany, President Bush explained that his new strategy will entail killing America’s enemies himself.

“I was damn good at the video game Street Fighter back in the day – nobody else in my family could taken me down, not even Jeb – so I figure that with my brilliant hand-eye coordination, I’ll be right at home with our boys in Baghdad,” he said.

Bush also cited his successful comportment at a heretofore unpublicized bar brawl in Waco, Texas in 1970 as another qualification for his battle readiness.

“This dude who called himself Chester ‘The Molester’ Biggs tried to grab Laura’s ass. I took a glass of Bud and poured it down his shirt. He tried to sucker punch me but I kneed him in the gut and dropped him. Then I kicked his head in. Then my dad pulled some strings to keep me out of police custody. Man, those were the days.”

When he arrives in Baghdad, Bush plans to shoot as many enemy combatants as possible as he pilots his Black Hawk helicopter one hundred feet above street level.

“I’ll keep America safe from terrorism by killing the terrorists,” he explained.

Just then, Bush’s chief ally in the War on Terror, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair, made an unannounced visit to the podium.

“I want everyone to know that I’m with you all the way, George,” said Mr. Blair.

“Yo, Tony,” said Bush. “Why you bum rush the show? We no black-talk in months and now you be jive-talking at MY press conference? Get back in your kennel, homey!”

“Please don’t hit me,” Blair grovelled. “Hoooo!”

“Hey, Tone, I boned my lady four times last night. I beat your record,” Bush proclaimed proudly.

“Wraaaa!” yelped Tony. “At least let me join your tour of Iraq, Georgie. I want to win this war. I need a legacy. My days as England's alpha male are almost over.”

Blair beat his chest and pursed his lips defiantly but even this display could not hide the imminent onset of tears. The bizarre spectacle of the gesticulating prime minister was soon removed from the press conference by security guards, leaving the president free to field questions from the press.

“How long will your tour of duty in Iraq last, Mr. President?” asked one reporter.

“I’m gonna stay until we’ve killed all the terrorists,” Bush replied. “It’s that simple.”

“By terrorists, do you mean al-Qaeda, Shia militants, Sunni insurgents, Saddam loyalists, or Iranian and Syrian provocateurs?” asked the reporter.

“Hold your horses,” Bush snapped angrily. “Tryin’ to confuse people’s heads with this confusing talk is not going to end terror. Only killin’ terrorists is going to end terror. Our mission is simple. Kill the terrorists.”

President Bush declined to answer any further questions because no other reporters had been vetted by the State Department. He announced that there would be a photo-op from the comfort of the hanger for the benefit of the press.

Bush climbed into his Black Hawk helicopter, successfully buckled his seat belt, then was heard asking where the button was to close the “hatch thingy.”

“We went over this ten times in training!” an unseen voice hissed. “You can’t be serious!”

“I am serious, man. I gotta close the hatch thingy! Then I gotta start the rotor thingies goin’ round. What’s this thingy here? Whoa! Hold on!”

The president was then catapulted thirty feet into the air. He became lodged between two girders of the hanger roof.

“Lemme down! Lemme down!” he cried out. “This metal’s real sharp in my jugular.”

A German fire and rescue crew appeared on the scene and took half an hour to liberate the American Commander in Chief. It is understood that Mr. Bush is currently in the Ramstein military prison recuperating from abrasions to the neck, head and shoulders.