Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Pee Wee Team Hopes for Successful Crack-a-Thon

The Norwood Knights, the pee wee hockey team that last year nearly topped the Edmonton Minor Hockey League, hopes that its upcoming Crack-a-Thon will raise much-needed funds for skates, sticks, and rink rental.

“The story of the Norwood Knights brings tears to my eyes,” said Bruce Chalifoux, the team’s coach, as well as father of the Knights’ star defender, Mickey. “Here’s a team of tough inner city kids who have made good. With a little more support, we could turn the lives of more kids around, and, who knows, maybe even win the league this year.”

Funding is a constant challenge for the Knights. Most of the players come from homes where the family income is below the poverty line. Half of them are aboriginal. Almost all of them have behavioural or learning disorders. Many players go home to find their fathers staggering around in a drunken stupor or asleep in a pool of their own vomit.

“My dad’s hobbies include punching my mom and urinating on himself,” observed Knights’ forward, Fred Manyfangs. “I can’t wait till I get big enough to kill him.”

Last year at their casino fundraiser, the Knights netted $2,954. The event was considered a major success, with an attendance of over 200 local people, all passionately devoted to gambling.

“I remember blowing a month of welfare,” reminisced Jackie Laboucan. “It was a fucken’ blast.”

This year, the fundraising goal is $4,000 following a sharp hike in user fees at the Knights’ practice rink. After receiving the unwelcome news of the hike, Coach Chalifoux realized that gambling alone was unlikely to raise the extra revenue.

“We needed something with even more appeal to the community,” he explained. “Crack seemed the obvious answer.”

Knights players, who range from nine to eleven years of age, will wander the inner city streets, each looking to sell as many “rocks” of crack as possible. Whichever player sells the most crack will win a night at the Fantasyland Hotel – a luxurious retreat from a life of incest and violence.

“I’m pretty confident the lucky winner will be me,” said Renee Gigglingbird. “My sister Josephine’s got major connections with hookers and I figure she can sell a grand of crack in under a week – no fucken sweat.”

During the short interview, Renee was being pestered by a potential customer, Colleen “Crabs” Papsamashaquash, who tragically lost an eye in a fist-fight last year. Colleen asked for some crack in advance – promising to pay for it later – but the plucky young Knights player refused. He ordered Colleen to fulfill her dick-sucking quota for the day and come back with at least $100.

“Otherwise, no crack for you, Crabsy,” he said.

Hector Goudreau, Minister for Tourism, Parks Recreation and Culture, whose department oversees charitable fundraising ventures, is enthusiastic about the Knights’ Crack-a-Thon.

“I think it’s great,” said Goudreau. “That’s an example of the Alberta Advantage in action: paying for social programs through the proceeds of addiction, misery, and suicide.”

The minister declined further comment because he was busy eating a pig.