Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Ronaldo Ronaldson Enjoys National Non-Sequitur Day

According to a confidential report haphazardly cobbled together painstakingly by the M.o.M. in the last thirty-eight seconds, Ronaldo Ronaldson, aged 19 years, quite enjoyed National Non-Sequitur Day.

"It was terrible," said Ronaldo. "My grandmother came over for dinner and told me about the $682,143 she is leaving me in her will."

Mrs. Flores Ronaldson, aged 153, arrived on her Vespa at about 6:13 p.m. Shortly afterwards, Ronaldo accidentally spattered melted butter on his new pair of Diesel jeans.

"That's it!" he cried. "That's the final straw! I am tendering my resignation from my job, effective immediately!"

"Is it possible that you accidentally ejaculated into your own eye?" inquired Mrs. Ronaldson, observing her grandson's bizarre gesticulations. "That happens to me quite often."

"I wish you'd stop nagging me about my cocaine habit," Ronaldo retorted. "I've told you, it's because I'm in a loveless marriage, devoid of sex, or even pleasure."

"Well then, I do hope you liked the socks I gave you in 1978," said Mrs. Ronaldson, in her sweet and endearing way.

"Where's my girlfriend when I need her?" asked Ronaldo. "There's a football game that ended seven minutes ago and I predict a resounding victory by Manchester United, even with that gay idol, Christiano Ronaldo, playing!"

But Mrs. Ronaldo was not entirely in agreement.

"I think it's best, when a pheasant is out of sorts, to sing it a pleasant melody," she opined. "'Mary Had a Little Lamb' works best."

Accordingly, Ronald charged out of the room and entered his tank. As Brigadier General of the 4 th Scottish Highlander Infantry Platoon, he was obliged to lead an offensive into Sadr City. In the sweltering heat of the scarred suburb, he did hand-to-hand combat with a mongoose.

"You may be a stern adversary for a cobra, but you are certainly no match for me!" said Ronaldo triumphantly. The mongoose retaliated by biting him sharply on the bladder.

Just then, a nasty August blizzard blew in from the nearby mountains, entirely obscuring the battlefield, and forcing a halt in hostilities.

"Hot enough for ya?" laughed a private.

"Let's go for a swim!" rejoiced Ronaldo, cracking open a hole in the ice of the Tigris River.

"Good heavens, there's been a lot of buggery going on lately," observed a passing Iraqi civilian. "I don't think Allah would approve at all. What do you think, Achmed?"

"Death to the Jews!" cried Achmed.

"Quite," concluded his interlocutor.