Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Who Wants to Rent an Apartment?

If only you could see us here at the M.o.M. We’re so excited! Our botox face almost appears alive! Today we have all the juicy gossip about the brand new reality show that everyone is talking about: Who Wants to Rent an Apartment? The show, being filmed in Edmonton by the Home and Garden Network, will follow the fortunes of six super-hot young Edmontonians who must find, rent and successfully live in an Edmonton apartment without going bankrupt or resorting to killing the negligent landlord. Whichever contestant most successfully rents an apartment wins the grand prize: a one-way ticket out of Edmonton.

The M.o.M.contacted the show’s producer, Terry Billingham, for more details about this exciting television event.

M.o.M. Tell us more about this exciting television event.

Terry Billingham: There were six contestants. Five of them were women. Two of them got into a cat-fight in the very first show. Trudy was like, “Oooh, I just have to have this apartment – look at the silky drapes and the view of the river valley,” and then Trixie showed up and attempted to scratch her rival’s eyes out, because the apartment was only $1100/month and that’s a goddam steal. But then both contestants found out they had been fighting over nothing because all of a sudden, the property owner announced that the apartment was being converted into a $450,000 condo! Hilarious!

M.o.M.: Tell us about some of the contestants who successfully found an apartment to rent.

TB: I'd be feverishly ecstatic to. Cindy, a manicurist, found sanctuary of sorts in a $550 slum in Norwood. But when she moved in, she found that her neighbour had recently tethered a yak outside. The animal was staring at her obscenely. She informed her landlord of her concerns and he said, “Why don’t you just move the hell out if you don't like it?"

Then Cindy discovered that because of a surreal plumbing configuration, her water pipes were routed through the apartment of an apprentice surreal killer, meaning, of course, that her shower often sprayed pig's blood. She complained to the landlord, and he said, "How would you like a $200 rent increase?"

Savvy Cindy inquired whether the landlord, under Alberta law, had any obligation to fix the shower before imposing a rent increase, and discovered that Alberta landlords have almost no legal obligations whatsoever, and can increase rent by as much as they like regardless of the living conditions of the premises. Three cheers for the Alberta Advantage!

M.o.M.: How did your lone male contestant fare?

TB: Ricky Biggun? Oh, he got by pretty good by pimping himself out to the female contestants. He bed-surfed for a while before eventually, Sharona Timmins, his last conquest, threw him on the streets.

M.o.M.: So Ricky is homeless now, I take it?

TB: Do I appear to care?

M.o.M.: Did anyone find a nice apartment, settle down, and live peaceably until the show's end?

TB: Yes. Me.

M.o.M.: You weren't part of the show.

TB: Hold on. Let me see here. Would this show have existed had I not traded my integrity to the devil in exchange for a million bucks? No, I think not.

M.o.M.: What shows do you have planned next?

TB: I'm excited that you asked that. My next show is Who Wants to Pretend to Give a Fuck About Africa? We'll be sending some b-list celebrities to Timbuktu or somesuch place, so that they can adopt an orphan or spoon-feed an aging hyena. There'll be sentimental scenes of crying and hugging. There'll be vultures circling. What's really great is my agent tells me it's ethical programming.

M.o.M.: Thanks. Do you have any more time for us today?

TB: I think it's time for Fruitopia, Labatts and CIBC to share their affirmative messages now, don't you?