Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Ed Stelmach Proudly Joins the Liars’ Club

At a ceremony in Washington D.C. today, the new Alberta premier, Ed Stelmach, was inducted into the Liars’ Club, a prestigious organization that includes Conrad Black, Tony Blair, George W. Bush, and Jude Law.

“I am humbled to be among so many successful liars,” said Stelmach, who appeared to be star-struck in the company of so many Powerful Men.

Usually, the Liars’ Club does not extend membership to people as fumblingly inarticulate as Mr. Stelmach, given that, in the words of Conrad Black, “Deceit is a masterful art requiring eloquence, wit, and a supreme measure of overweening pride.” However, at the club’s early March meeting, it was agreed that Stelmach’s efforts to give the appearance of taking action on climate change “warranted special attention.”

“It’s glorious double-speak; it’s fraud perpetrated on a massive scale,” said Black, who has been the club's president since he was himself charged with fraud. “One is overwhelmed with approbation, not to mention enormous satisfaction, to see conservative governments, including those of Alberta and Canada, convincing the populace that the environment is in good hands, while actually planning for enormous increases in carbon emissions that will endanger the livelihood of our planet. I can only say hoorah, bravo, and Barbara, I’ll buy you another mink stole!”

Mr. Black thereupon embraced his wife, Barbara Amiel, and fondled her bosom proudly.

“See these, Ed?” he said to Premier Stelmach. “Like glorious fried eggs, yet delectably firm. When you are a powerful man, you can own a woman who owns these.”

Mr. Stelmach blushed ten shades of crimson.

“I’m a… what a… gosh. Mmm. Is that Kobe beef? Over there? Anyone?”

But the Liars had reconvened elsewhere to spread lies about him.

“He smells like cow dung,” said Jude Law, sneeringly. “I don’t think we should be letting farmers into our club.”

“In Alberta, they call him Honest Ed,” observed Tony Blair, very pleased to have Done His Homework, and puffing up with pride. “Don’t you see the beautiful irony of that? Anyone?”

“Yo Tony,” said George W. Bush. “This weekend, I finished reading Crime and Punishment by that Russian dude, Fyodor Dostoevsky.”

Tony Blair could not help but stifle a guffaw.

“Come now, we don’t have to lie among ourselves, do we?” he said.

“I see there’s some philandering to be done,” announced Jude Law, eyeing a young and pretty waitress carrying a tray of canapes. “I bet she’s never bedded a famous actor before.”

Just then, the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper, burst into the room.

“Hello friends,” he said, with the charm of a dead fish. “I heard you were all meeting. My invitation must have been misplaced in the mail.”

“Yes, misplaced,” said George W. Bush, with his frat-boy grin. “That’s it. In fact, you were going to be the Guest of Honour, on account of how everyone likes you so much!”

The meeting of the Liars’ Club erupted into a cacophony of laughter and applause. George W. Bush was happy to return home with First Prize in the Audacity Award. Having been responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 people in the name of a lie, there is now little chance of the other liars ever catching him.

“I’m not even going to try,” said Premier Stelmach.

“That’s the spirit!” said Tony Blair, patting him on the back. "Don't try, just lie -- that's our motto!"