MP’s Defection to Smack Party Shocks Goat Piddlers

GOAT PIDDLE: The MP for Goat Piddle, who has withstood numerous calls for his resignation since being elected only two weeks ago, announced today that he has defected from the Independent Party that he founded last month. He will now join the ranks of the Smack Party that he founded last night and of which he is the only current member.

“I had to take a long look in the mirror,” said the Goat Piddle MP, the Minister of Misinformation. “And then I had to comb my hair. And then I had to brush my teeth. And then I knew in my heart that I could no longer face the crisis of leadership that I saw in the Independent Party.”

At this point, Jimmie the Hand interrupted the Minister’s hastily-scheduled news conference with a cry of, “You waire ti leader o’ ti Independent Party, ye daft radge!”

“Pipe down, Jimmie,” said the Minister. “You’re just a sore loser.”

This overt reference to the Minister’s defeat of Mr. Hand in the May 5 election caused a palpable gasp of outrage in the audience. Mrs. Tothbit shook her head so vigorously in disapproval that her dentures flew out. Reporters then asked the Minister to explain the platform of the newly-founded Smack Party.

“I conceived of the Smack Party early this morning – at about four a.m. – to be precise,” reported the Minister. “The Smack Party stands for law and order. We’re going to get tough on the rash of crime that has afflicted Goat Piddle in the last week.”

The crime wave in Goat Piddle has generated three phone calls to the police resulting in at least one official report but no visits, to date, from the mainland constabulary. The first incident involved Timmy Thistle, aged 9, who set fire to a copy of the Goat Piddle Herald, provoking outrage from the paper’s editor, Gordon Gumless. The second incident implicates Drillich the Drunk in an unspeakable act with one of Mrs. Tothbit’s sheep. The last incident involves a complaint of excessive noise coming from the barn adjacent to the Goat Piddle Arms, where Millie McLegspreader was last seen entering at midnight with an unidentified male.

“Tha’ waire you making Millie make aw tha’ noise!” cried Jimmie to the Minister.

The Minister did not respond to this interruption and instead concluded his explanation of the Smack Party’s platform to the assembled Goat Piddlers.

“It’s well known that children who aren’t disciplined properly become dangerous delinquents,” observed the Minister. “Just think of Timmy Thistle’s act of pyromania, to cite but one example. To fight this crime wave we need to give children like Timmy a good, stern smack. The Smack Party stands for regular and routine smacks to be delivered to all naughty children. Smack by smack, we’ll get our beloved Goat Piddle back.”

The assembled residents erupted in cheers and then charged out of the hall looking for children to administer smacks to. According to a poll conducted five minutes ago, the Minister’s approval rating has skyrocketed up to 85 percent in the wake of his news conference. This is up from a paltry 2 percent only yesterday.

Harper: “I Will Rage and Pout Until I Get my Way”

The following statement was released by Stephen Harper’s subconscious today:

“I like little boys… Wait a minute. I’m preoccupied with power, not sex. But wait another minute… Sex is power, isn’t it? And isn’t power sexy? For example, if I become PM, I will be sexy. Those that say I look like a Sunday school teacher will have to shut the hell up. I will not only get to screw my poor wife, I will get to screw the whole country. The only thing standing in my way is Canadians.

Hmmm… Canadians. I would love this country if it were not for Canadians. They make me go limp, frankly. What my id really lusts for is the hardness of Republicanism. I may never wield a bigger weapon than my friend Bush, but at least if I get chummy with him, he will let me play with his weapon from time to time. Maybe?

So anyways, had fun today. I got paid for refusing to go to work. That’s right. I’m so riled up at Paul Martin that I told my team “Don’t go to work, boys. Boycott Parliament.” Man, did we show those girlie-men Libs and NDPers who’s boss. While they fussed away over their little bits of paper (they like to call them bills), us big boys from out West retired to Arby’s to plot the take-over of the country. My advice to you lefties is: don’t stand in our way. I’m quite prepared to rage and pout until I get my way. I WILL have an election. OK? I MUST/WILL /HAVE-TO-BE/ AT ANY COST THE PRIME MINISTER

People ask how long I can keep this indignant and angry pout on my face. Well, ask my wife how long I can keep it up when she calls me Mr. Prime Minister in bed. Just ask her. Helluva long time, she’ll say. That’s how long. So get ready. As I tell her, you’re in for a rough ride.”

Goat Piddle MP Asked to Resign

GOAT PIDDLE: The angry residents of Goat Piddle Harbour, Scotland, have demanded the resignation of their newly-elected MP. In a hastily-scheduled news conference at the Goat Piddle Arms, spokesman Millie McLegspreader read from a prepared address. She accused the Minister of Misinformation of leading her on with the promise of buying her new knitting needles.

“Ah haivn’t seed nah hide nah hair o’ tha bastaird,” said McLegspreader. “He’s braiken his promise.”

There was an interjection from Drillich (the Drunk.) “Ahm pairsonally giving a boot to ti’ chops o’ tha cunt if ah sees him. Ah ne’er goh tha dram ah were promised.”

Jimmie the Hand was on hand with an allegation that the Goat Piddle MP, elected a mere five days ago, had offended the honour of his sister, Millie.

“I seed tha two of thems in the bairn up over Mrs. Tothbit’s,” reported Jimmie. “Afters, I seed them leaving, looking guilty-like – but oan accoont o’ tha Minister’s victory – I decided tah shaik his hand. But his faingers were aw sticky-like.”

Millie proceeded to vehemently deny this report but did look sheepish and blushed. All assembled Goat Piddle residents, however, were in firm agreement that they would ask for the MP to step down. At this point, Drillich’s dog, Tosser, woofed exuberantly, appearing to endorse the collective call to action.

UK Election Special: Minister Victorious in Tight Battle at Goat Piddle Harbour

GOAT PIDDLE: The Minister of Misinformation has eeked out a narrow victory in the Scottish constituency of Goat Piddle Harbour. The British election has produced few surprises as big as this one.

“I’m not only happy with the result – I’m fucking happy with the result,” said an ebullient, jubilant and intoxicated Minister.

The Minister ran as an independent to represent the 48 residents of Goat Piddle Harbour. His one opponent was Jimmie the Hand, who aside from masturbation, counts being the mascot for Goat Piddle Goaders FC among his accomplishments. Hand came close to victory, surging early in the polls but climaxing, perhaps, too early. He finished with 17 votes, compared to 18 for the Minister.

“Ah was royally cunted bah me sister Millie,” observed Hand. “I seh, ‘Millie – can ye vote for me?’ An than she goes wi’ tis otha eejit. Ach well… Tha’s life…”

The unusually small constituency of Goat Piddle Harbour is nestled on a rocky outcrop of a Hebridean island so obscure that no one has thought to name it. Goat Piddle’s residents include Morag (the Miserable), who will warn anyone that cares to listen about the dangers of earwigs crawling into your ear; and Drillich (the Drunk), who will steal your wellies to pawn for a dram of whisky.

“I met over half of the eligible voters,” said the Minister. “I listened very clearly to their concerns. Some say that I didn’t understand those concerns. But I did catch about one word in ten. I know that Goat Piddlers want to see their MP do something about gout, the rain, and the shite in general.”

The Minister’s election manifesto made the following pledges:

1. To personally remove Drillich from Mrs. Tothbit’s sheep pen every night.

2. To lobby to have Goat Piddle made the European Union’s capital of culture for the year 2012 in light of Mr. Leek’s stamp collection and Morag’s singing.

3. To personally ensure, in cooperation with local stakeholders, such as Millie at the Goat Piddle Arms, that Goat Piddle's population decline is reversed.

4. To live at Goat Piddle at least eight days of the calendar year in order to accurately ascertain the local mood and convey that mood to Parliament at least two times a year.

5. To prove I'm not a “cheap bastard” and ensure that Drillich gets his dram on election night.

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