Wednesday, March 23, 2005

PM to Aggressively Adopt Non-Dithering Policy

WACO, Texas: The Government of Canada is pleased to announce that at today’s tripartite meeting between Paul Martin, Vicente Fox and George W. Bush, our prime minister is going to be defiantly undithery.

“The PM is planning on giving President Bush the firmest handshake of his life,” said government spokesman, Dick Stamp. “He’s been in training for this. His thumb ligaments have had ample time to recover since his last handshake with Jean Chrétien, and now, thanks to a steady regimen of palm crunches, he’s more than equal to the challenge of not getting injured again.”

In keeping with the new tone that he is taking to American-Canadian relations, the Prime Minister is expected to brace himself with three shots of Crown Royal whisky before the meeting. He has even indicated that after fornicating with his wife Sheila this morning, he will skip his usual shower, exfoliation and face cleanser in order to retain the smell of sex on his body.

“Let me be quite clear,” said Prime Minister Martin. “When I step into the meeting room, it will be abundantly apparent that I am not only virile, but also intoxicated, and I think that in all probability, the potency of my masculine odour will send a strong signal to Bush and that Mexican fellow that they had better not even think about trying any funny businesses, such as making off with the rights to, say, all the fresh water in Lake Ontario. At the very least, they will have to ask nicely, and say please and thank you, otherwise I am categorically making almost no sweeping concessions whatsoever.”

Martin also announced that on the issue of BSE, he will be “bullish” in defending Canada’s interests.

“Let me be quite clear, when I say bullish, I don’t mean that I will gore anyone, of course, but I might, metaphorically-speaking (obviously) stamp my feet a few times, and emit some fairly noisy – even angry – snorts, and I wouldn’t be surprised if, over the sound of their yammering in Spanish, Bush and Fox might even get a sense that something quite defiantly undithery is going on down my end of the table. Maybe they’ll even talk to the Economist about it.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Technology Update

THERIESENSTADT, Germany: According to the latest reports, technology is now capable of replicating everything in life, only less successfully, and is on schedule to replace reality some time in the next 20 years.

Head researcher at the East German School of Gadgetry, Seymore B Probing, responded to the news with excitement. “We certainly are very much thrilled,” he said. “This is to finally mean that decade shut away in laboratory is not for nothing, indeed, we are standing to inheritance the earth – that is, professionals who eschew fornication, intoxication, socialization and regular showers and choose instead of more better cerebral activity – and we will be becoming like gods to you, especially when humans cannot reboot your brain’s CPU unassisted.”

Probing pointed to the vast array of experiences that technology has made possible, which earlier generations were denied.

“For example, the Internet is wonderful thing,” he said. “There is such diversity things on Internet – things I never would see or hear of before – such, such remarkable things, and in real life, things are far more boring. For example, no woman attempts to insert with herself a giant zucchini in real life.”

The Internet has been cited by authors of the latest report, “The Planned Obsolescence of Homo Sapiens,” as the driving force behind exponential increases in scientific and technological progress, having enabled lightning fast exchanges of intellectual and technical information. The Internet has also played a crucial role in providing a source of virtual community to people that would have been marginalized in society. For example, Jeff Weise, 17, from the Red Lake Indian Reserve in Minnesota, was able to finally find support for his empathy with German national socialism through the website of the Libertarian National Socialist Green Party, hosted out of the United States.

“This is wonderful thing,” said Probing. “Before website, Weise might be just misunderstood outcast because no one share his hobby, and he cry on his pillow at night. But now, look – he have friends – even though he is primitive Indian – technology bring him knowledge and friends from coast to coast. His secret passion meet not with scorn, but with sympathy, and he is sign of how technology, it is bring to people together.”

At the time of the interview, Probing was unaware that Weise had armed himself with a stolen shotgun and handgun and killed his grandparents and then proceeded to Red Lake high school and shot a security guard, a teacher, and five students. When this news was relayed to him, Probing was nonplussed.

“So much more exciting than real life, you see now?” he said. “People sleepy and yawning all the time when nothing happen. But with technology, and such things as XBox, you can shoot and have a pounding heartbeat, like this, bu-bump, bu-bump – very exciting – and even sweat on the knuckles – and life is better than a discotheque. Wonderbar. It is like some people say why have to be so violent, but this is better than starving to death like in the primitive time. In fact, with the thanks to technology, violence it is now very sexy. It is again like on Internet. I see little blond girl abused in the rectum with giant dildo – and this I cannot do in reality – so it is good and safe and I like it. I like it very much so.”

Friday, March 18, 2005

Project Don Quixote takes centre stage over Project Stanley

EDMONTON: The Alberta government has committed to spending, if necessary, millions of dollars on a challenge of the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex couples’ right to marry. Dubbed “Project Don Quixote,” the Alberta government’s quest to use a legal weapon that, on this issue, it constitutionally does not possess (the notwithstanding clause) to protect a power not in its jurisdiction (the definition marriage) is being lauded as brave and noble by many Albertans.

The spokesman for the coalition group, Families Against Gays, Homosexuality And Transgendered Equivocators from Righteousness (FAGHATER) publicly stated his group’s support for the government. Speaking from his home in Camrose, joined by his wife and eight children, Lester Wholesome said, “As an Albertan, I am proud to have a government that stands against the erosion of the family. Just the thought of gay marriage causes me to lose my erection and threatens the conception of Lester Jr. IV.”

Government supporters are particularly heartened that finally, a genuine issue that they can do nothing about has emerged to draw Albertans’ attention away from such distractions as Project Stanley.

“Once we all get behind Project Don Quixote, everyone will forget about that Project Stanley nonsense,” said Wholesome.

Project Stanley was the name given to an alleged conspiracy among electrical companies, including Enron, to manipulate energy markets and amass illegal profits at the expense of Albertans. An email from the general counsel for Enron to the director of Enron Canada Corporation, dated September 2000 with the subject line, “Re: Project Stanley – Recent Meetings with Alberta Government and Transalta,” had threatened to further implicate the government in perpetrating fraud against its own citizens. However, according to government insiders, Don Quixote will have the desired effect of diverting attention away from Project Stanley, as well as from the overall failure of electricity deregulation, and from the government’s assistance to auto insurance companies in racking up another year of record profits, not to mention the government’s inaction on a) climate change; b) dependency on resource revenue; c) suburban sprawl; d) Alberta’s high school graduation rate continuing to be the lowest in Canada.

“Albertans astutely realize that oppressing the rights of one percent of the population is far more important than making progress on issues that affect everyone,” said Paul C. Wonk, political analyst at Athabasca University.

Wonk expressed particular admiration for Premier Klein’s deftness in denying any responsibility for Project Don Quixote. He observed that while Klein has single-handedly resisted a workplace smoking ban due to his own fondness for smoking in casinos, he claimed to have been outvoted by the rest of the Conservative caucus on the same-sex marriage issue.

“I’m sure all Albertans are glad to have a premier who refrains from interfering in his government’s desire to squander taxpayers’ money on an exercise in futility,” said Wonk. “That is the highest expression of democracy, is it not? A leader who won’t take the lead in protecting the public purse but permits his personal habits to dictate province-wide policy…Truly, Alberta’s democracy has evolved gloriously out of the outmoded traditions of impartiality and accountability.”

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Ministry’s Message to Alberta: “Get a little drunker than usual today”

In keeping with St Patrick’s Day, the Ministry is urging Albertans to consume more alcohol than usual at the bar this evening. The Ministry is also requesting that all Albertans – no matter how tenuous their links to the Emerald Isle – spend most of the night shouting obscenities in an obnoxiously inaccurate Irish accent.

Ministry Spokesman, Vince Grim, reminded the public that St Patrick’s Day is one of the easiest holidays to celebrate.

“It’s not as if this is Christmas, where you have to grudgingly think of other people,” said Grim “Nor is it like Remembrance Day, where you have to stop yakking about yourself for an entire minute and look solemn. All you need to do to honour the occasion of St. Patrick’s Day is blow about hundred dollars at the bar, wear something silly, get trashed, and throw up on the sidewalk at about three in the morning.”

Grim also emphasized that St. Patrick’s Day is also one of the most profound ways that Albertans can demonstrate their legendary tolerance of other cultures.

“Every Guinness you purchase shows your deep appreciation for Irish culture,” said Grim. “And every French fry you eat with your wings meal shows your empathy for the suffering of the Irish throughout history, such as in the potato famine, for example.”

For the public’s convenience, the government has introduced an online calculator onto its website that will help Albertans calculate to five decimal places how Irish they are. For example, if you:

1) feel more passionate than most about the music of U2; 2) have an aunt twice removed who stayed in Dublin once, and; 3) have plans to visit Ireland after finishing your BA in economics

you are exactly 0.28494 percent Irish. You may thump your chest and say like in the Commitments “I’m black and I’m proud.” [Hold on – you’ve actually seen that film? Automatically add 5.73931 percentage points to your Irish quotient.]

The Ministry expects liquor revenue to spike by approximately 156 percent this evening.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

More on Employment. And Lions, and Democracy, and Rodent Parents

I’ve only seen a typical office worker put in a full day’s work about four times in my life. I mean, truly all-out, no-holds-barred, pedal-to-the-metal WORK for eight hours straight. That includes me. In an average eight-hour work day, most people only work five or so. So I think the time has come to switch to a 30-hour work week. I’ll give the Man about ten hours a day, Monday to Wednesday. Then the rest of the time I will walk around having random adventures. If everyone else does likewise, think of all the excitement there could be going on. Why, I might well be walking down Whyte Avenue one day, and bump into someone who is working on injecting mice with human brain cells. Now, that is excitement. That beats writing news releases or updating Excel databases. Moreover, this person might have discovered how to inject a mouse with human stem cells, leading possibly to the spread of human genetic material to EVERY SINGLE ORGAN IN A MOUSE’S BODY, which, if replicated in a mouse of the opposite sex, would in turn lead to the capability of TWO MICE CONCEIVING A VIABLE HUMAN LIFEFORM. The human embryo could be injected into a human female’s womb and CARRIED TO TERM. Thus the world would bear witness to the first human being born to RODENT PARENTS.

See the infinite opportunities that are denied us because we are cooped up in offices as opposed to roaming the streets seeking entertainment?

In ancient cultures where the 40-hour work week hadn’t been invented, citizens enjoyed far more leisure time than we do today. Among the Mayans, it was quite common to enjoy a pleasant afternoon game of what I will call HEADBALL. That is, sports enthusiasts would congregate in the centre of town with the severed heads of their defeated enemies, and proceed to kick them around, much like in soccer.

As for the Romans, they had 10-day bacchanals where they were treated to hourly re-enactments of Ridley Scott’s “Gladiator,” as well as the spectacle of an obscure cult of individuals, (called Christians) being fed to lions!

And don’t get me started on the Greeks. Shit! In their spare time they hung around on the steps of the Parthenon and invented a little thing called DEMOCRACY! Not to mention FACISM! And the concept of having a chick-friend who you, like, don’t even THINK of banging (Platonic something or another.)

And what the hell do we stressed-out sad-sacks have to show for ourselves? Websites devoted to the study of entropy? Or Vampirism???

Give me a break!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Elimination of employment next challenge in human rights struggle

142 STREET, EDMONTION: An extensive research project funded by the Centre for the Advancement of Human Rights was concluded today. A 29 year-old white human male of average height and build was exposed to eight hours of what is called “employment.” The research concluded that:

1. Employment is deleterious to humans’ ability to pursue other interests such as watching ants chew through wood; watching film matinees, and exploring the dating scene in bars on early Tuesday afternoons
2. Employment also leads to fatigue
3. High doses of particularly strenuous employment can provoke fits of alcohol consumption in some humans.

Lead research scientist, Viktor Krachmarxko publicly stated that, “Employment, and especially full-time employment, is clearly rather a primitive instinct in humans and it is hoped, for the sake of progress, that in due course, suitable substitutes for employment can be found. We have found in some particularly disturbing cases that a full day’s work can interfere with an individual’s capacity to write coherent updates to his or her online blog. That’s an abuse of human rights if ever I saw one.”

Monday, March 14, 2005

Edmontonians: Helpless in the Face of Overwhelming Prosperity

This is an urgent appeal from the Minister to anyone that cares. Who will come and save Edmontonians from themselves? Last week at a public school board meeting, it was decided that four schools in the city’s centre should be closed down. Enrolments were on a relentless decline and the board, thanks to a draconian utilization formula imposed by the province, had to somehow free up some money in order to build new schools in our ever-sprawling suburbs. The Edmonton Journal reported that in face of the constraints, the school board took the most sensible course of action.

It is indeed the best of times and the worst of times.

What are we going to do about our unparalleled prosperity? What a nightmare! Our economy is growing; the city is eating up the prairie, parents are flocking to the city’s periphery to live in mini-mansions; to get anywhere people feel obliged to drive an SUV that retails for $40,000 or more; and now these damn school closures? What does it all mean? The city core, despite small attempts to revitalize it, continues to fall into decline. Central neighbourhoods are increasingly places only for seniors, natives, single mothers and others who can’t afford to live elsewhere. And these are the only neighbourhoods in Edmonton with any character! The only places that actually have trees – not weeds – but trees, and brick buildings, and a proximity to our green and shady river valley. These are the only places not yet raped by developers with their multiplexes and malls and box stores.

Who will save Edmontonians from giving in entirely to barbarity? Soon we will all be worshipping at the temple of Wal-Mart. Meanwhile, the faintly-flickering heart of this city will fade to silence. What on earth is city council doing? Why are they sitting on their hands while historic schools are shutting their doors? If these neighbourhoods are seen as undesirable now, just wait until there is nowhere for your kids to get a decent education. What was city council doing for the last three decades as families flocked to the suburbs and abandoned Strathearn and Beverly and Norwood? Oh right, council was selling off land cheap to development companies, that’s what.

The city is inevitably going to become what they call a “donut”: just a sprawling fatty mess with a gaping hole on the inside. It’s nauseating that we can see this fate coming but are still stampeding towards it like bison going over the brink of Head-Smashed-in-Buffalo Jump.

This toxic city is killing itself. Will anyone intervene? Or must those of us that want to stay sane simply flee the cesspool while we still can?

In other news:

The Minister indulged his fondness for new music this weekend and bought the album “Funeral” by Arcade Fire. The album soothed a sometimes conflicted soul, and the Minister enjoyed brief moments of perfect bliss. This Montreal band must surely have a glittering future ahead of them. Read the review by clicking on the Media Barn link.

In other developments, the Minister is also shocked to find that he has started referring to himself in the third person. This wasn’t supposed to happen. From now on, unless otherwise noted, I will be speaking in the first person.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Ministry Requests 10% Increase in Grief

EDMONTON: In conjunction with CanWest Global and Bell Media, the Ministry is requesting that Albertans exhibit an immediate 10 percent increase in misplaced and gratuitous displays of grief. This is considered the only acceptable response to the murders of four RCMP officers last week.

“Albertans have certainly performed satisfactorily according to the latest emotional ratings,” said Ministry spokesman, Iva Handkerchief. “However, there is still so much more hand-wringing that can be done.”

Handkerchief, in today’s hastily-scheduled media conference at the Alberta Legislature, unexpectedly pulled out a copy of today’s Edmonton Journal.

“See those officers on the front cover and how hopeless they look?” she said. “That’s how all Albertans should aim to look right now.”

Ministry pamphlets will be distributed today with helpful hints on how to emote appropriately and, more importantly, how to free up time in our otherwise busy lives in order to have more hours for inconsolable sadness. The Ministry’s “How to Grieve” pamphlet includes the following useful pointers:

1. Try not to put things in perspective. It is important to deliberately overlook that police work is dangerous work, much like joining the military.

2. Try only to think of yourself and how you feel. Even Albertans who have no connection to the officers or their families can nevertheless “take ownership” of this tragedy and make it their own.

3. Make an effort seek to understand, in vain, how such a thing could happen. Convince yourself that this is the first senseless, violent and tragic act to ever occur in history.

4. Divert your attention from the reality of your own life. If you feel that for the most part, your life is uninteresting and headed nowhere, misplaced emotions will empower you to forget these grim facts.

5. Remember that the news stories that are most useful to an informed citizenry don’t dwell on policy decisions such as smoking bans, education funding, health care, or pocketbook issues such as taxation structure or auto insurance rates. Citizens are best served by stories that indulge people’s need to emote. Looking to make a real difference? Overlook entirely so-called “hard” news stories. This will allow government officials and their corporate cohorts to continue re-writing legislation that will improve the profits of electrical companies, for example, at the expense of the public.

Iva Handkerchief reiterated that, “all Albertans have the potential to reduce themselves to a quivering bundle of nerves, unable to accomplish anything except consoling themselves with random acts of material consumption. Just unleash that inner cry-baby!”

Thursday, March 10, 2005

RCMP: Ralph Capitalizes on Murdered Police

EDMONTON: Alberta Premier Ralph Klein today expressed hope that in light of the slaying of four RCMP officers by a madman with a gun, the federal government will consider scrapping the gun registry. Klein astutely observed that the gun registry did nothing to prevent James Roszko from gunning down the officers at his farm at Rochfort Bridge last week.

If the RCMP officers were still alive today, they would no doubt have been gladdened by the premier’s comments. Ever the statesman, Klein has found hope where others saw only senseless tragedy. It is to be hoped that Prime Minister Paul Martin heeds the words of Alberta’s wise leader and issues an immediate apology to the families of the slain RCMP officers. He should express supreme regret for having been part of a government that introduced a registry that failed to save the officers’ lives. He should also say sorry to the hundreds of other families who have lost loved ones because the registry failed to save their lives. While he is at it, he should express profound remorse to the families of all motorists who have died because vehicle registrations fail to prevent car accidents. He should then proceed to eliminate the gun registry, all other federal registries, and to demand that the provinces scrap their respective registries. This is in line with the growing consensus that registries are of no use to anyone. It should be noted that despite increasing numbers of marriage registrations, a large number of marriages still end in divorce!

All in all, it is obvious that a major reason for murders, car accidents, divorces and all other ills in our society is an overabundance of paperwork.

According to the latest reports, in previous civilisations, such as Imperial Rome, where the equivalent of a federal gun registry did not exist, citizens were more peaceable, and deaths by firearms were unknown. Citizens had to resort to more cumbersome techniques such as crucifixion or poking people with spears. Could James Roszko have killed four police officers in seconds with only a spear? No. It is therefore quite evident that Klein’s point is as clear as mud.

Lastly, nobody should misconstrue Klein’s comments as a political stunt. How could it be a political stunt when everyone knows that Klein himself mourns the deaths of those officers more than anyone? He feels those families’ pain. That is the kind of sensitivity he has been famous for over the course of his 13-year regime. If a homeless man had drunk himself into an early grave, Klein would display similar sensitivity and surely pay his respects to the deceased’s friends at the Herb Jamieson Shelter. Moreover, he would certainly offer an astute and timely observation on the failure of the welfare system to prevent that death.

Klein knows that what people truly yearn for in times of tragedy is a politician recommending the elimination of a government program.

Moreover, given Klein’s particular sensitivity to Albertans’ feelings, he knows that when their emotions are raw, the mention of a multi-billion dollar federal program is a salve that sooths and heals all.

Let us hope that Premier Klein will continue his proud tradition of finding the right words for every occasion.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Creation of the Ministry of Misinformation

The Ministry of Misinformation was created today with the following mandate:
"The Ministry will be in no way responsible to anyone for anything at any time and will commit unequivocally to failing to accomplish any of its goals -- which are still indeterminate."