Did You Know?

Alberta's legislature was the first in Canada or Britain to which women were elected to serve as members. In the 1917 provincial election, Louse McKinney and Roberta MacAdams won seats in the house.

Yes, I know that's not satirical or even faintly humourous.

Did you also know that in all of the events to transpire since 1917, the Minister can't think of a single instance where Alberta again demonstrated a progressive tendency?

PM: “Let’s Make a Deal!”

OTTAWA: The following statement was released today by the office of Prime Minister Paul Martin :

"Come on down to Parliament Hill, where the only thing hotter than the deals we’re offering is the air coming out of Stephen Harper’s mouth! Bring in your empty pop cans and we’ll give you a whole seat with your name on it in our historical and beautiful parliament chamber. Bring in your sister and heck, we’ll make you speaker! Or that funny-looking dude that carries the mace! Just sign up to support us in any and all confidence votes and you could find your pet project the beneficiary of the fat of the land. Look it, I just gave out – what was it again – $4.6 billion to old smilin’ Jack Layton from the NDP and all his personal peccadilloes. So there’s no saying what I won’t do for you. Yes, I mean YOU! $50,000 for the installation of a deluxe hot tub in Calgary, Alberta in the name of – shall we say – a community physical health and wellness program! No problem! How about a cool million to fund the booze and snacks budget at your town’s next cow-branding party? That’s a cultural investment – don’t you know it?! We’ll do whatever it takes to make a deal. Don’t be shy. Come on down today to Moneybags Martin’s Government Surplussssss Sale and Cash Giveaway, where we’ll pay any price for your support!"

Ministry of Misinformation to Support Non-Confidence Vote

EDMONTON: The Ministry of Misinformation has responded to mounting public pressure to clarify its position on a possible vote of non-confidence that could topple the ruling Liberal government. Ministry spokesperson, Derek Mob, announced at a news-conference from the ministry headquarters in Swan Hills, northwest of Edmonton, that in the event of such a vote, the ministry would side with the Conservative Party of Canada and the Bloc Québecois. Mob said that this support would come with some very strict conditions.

1. Peter MacKay is to terminate his affair with Belinda Stronach immediately. MacKay is to write a legally-binding court order requiring that Stronach become an employee of the Ministry of Misinformation, wearing a daily uniform of a nurse’s outfit, knee-high stockings and garter belt.

2. MacKay must then commit to kiss Conservative leader Stephen Harper on the lips in front of a national television audience. The kiss will be filmed at Niagara Falls to the background music of “Union of the Snake” by Duran Duran.

3. The Conservatives’ policy of cooperation with the United States’ National Missile Defence system must be modified. Conservatives must agree to install the ministry’s patented SexRay® in space. When North America is under attack, the SexRay® will beam electromagnetic beams of liquefied libido at the earth. The psychological effects of the SexRay® include dizziness, loss of concentration, and inexplicable attractions to everything. In the words of its inventor, the SexRay® will transform all the inhabitants of everywhere – even Kansas – into “copulating rabbits.” How does this protect the homeland? Frankly, we haven’t figured that out yet. It will, however, enhance the experience of nuclear Armageddon.

4. As for you Bloc Québecois people – ha! You thought the ministry had forgotten about you, didn’t you? Well listen, you must now change your name to the Flesh-Eating Disease Party. You must pass a policy resolution at your next convention that requires all party members to have only one leg. (You can bring Lucien Bouchard out of retirement if you want.) The one-legged leader requirement is to symbolize the crippling effects on Canada of your dogmatic devotion to separation.

There – did both parties catch all that? Each of the leaders is to sign the appropriate box below, which is legally binding, of course, and which will indicate complete compliance with the above conditions.

□ I, Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, do hereby agree to abide by the ministry’s stipulations of making a complete ass of myself with Peter MacKay. I also commit to getting a decent haircut.

□ Moi, Gilles Duceppe, je suis d’accord avec tout ça, et de plus, à partir de maintenant, je promets de parler français comme un lycéen de seize ans de Vulcan, Alberta. Et chaque matin, je vais manger une grenouille vivant devant tous les spectateurs de Radio Canada.

KAISERPOWER Unveils Latest Revolution in Engineering: the Spare Car

In today’s busy world, you cannot afford to lose a minute to misfortune or mishap. That’s why KAISERPOWER brings you the MiniAuto® – the first ever spare car. The MiniAuto® can fit into the trunk of most modern cars or be stowed with ease in the box of your truck. If you break down, don’t sweat about finding a repair shop or calling the CAA or the AMA or your dad/boyfriend/uncle. Simply take the MiniAuto® out of its harness, stand it upright on the street, inflate the wheels, get in and drive.

You will notice that the MiniAuto® comes equipped with a collapsible tricycle – the MiniCycle® – in the unlikely event that the car itself should break down. And just in case you thought KAISERPOWER hadn’t thought of everything, you will also find that the tricycle comes equipped with a skateboard – the MiniBoard® – in the extraordinarily remote chance that the MiniCycle® becomes inoperable.

A new dawn of utterly worry-free driving has arrived. Tell your friends and family!

Politics of Fear Fizzle

Apologies to all while I turn serious for a while. Many on the left have wondered whether the resurgent right-wing has the monopoly on political spin and framing political issues in such a way as to win over the “hearts and minds” of voters. Republicans’ ongoing success in the US suggests this to be true. But sometimes, a glimmer of hope appears.

The UK is in the midst of an election campaign in which the right-wing Conservatives have run on one of the most racist and reactionary platforms in recent history. They seek to impose a limit on the number of asylum seekers allowed into the UK, regardless of whether these people’s human rights claims are legitimate or not. Moreover, they have overtly targeted gypsies, and are promising to be even tougher on crime than the Labour party. This is the politics of fear. Their slogan, characterized by some as a “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” appeal to the worst in human nature, is “Are you thinking what we’re thinking?” Coupled with posters that say, “It’s not racist to control immigration” it is clear what’s going on here. The Tories want the white middle-class and working-class majority going to the polling stations trembling with fear of the “other.” The Tories will be the benevolent but stern patriarch that offers the promise of safety and protection to these scared voters.

The great news is this doesn’t seem to be working. The latest polls show the Tories, who started neck-and-neck with Labour, slipping badly. They are now five to ten percentage points behind. Some forecasters see Labour winning another majority, perhaps by 130 seats or more. Moreover, the Tory campaign appears to be frightening Tories themselves. Insiders report that high-ranking party officials have asked the leader, Michael Howard, to tone down the rhetoric.

What the Tories tried to do is shape a campaign so that they could talk exclusively on a limited number of issues that they felt had the most popular appeal. Problematically for them, they tried to fan the flames of fears that for the majority of people were smouldering at best. Frankly, voters don’t seem to be as afraid of the “other” as Tories themselves. Now the party leadership is left with egg on its face. They seem like children that can’t sleep because of in monsters in the closet. The real monsters are them. They have targeted society’s underdogs in a way that I, as a former UK resident, would never have expected.

Sadly, these diversionary tactics do often work. Many US voters saw moral issues, such as gay marriage, as the only ones that mattered in the 2004 presidential election. Doubtless, here in Canada, the right will attempt the same thing. What a gift to them that a gang of crooks in Quebec have created the biggest diversion witnessed in Canadian politics in years. I’m talking, of course, about Adscam. Will there be any room in the inevitably imminent election campaign for talk of those things that touch the lives of all of us – ie. infrastructure, schools and hospitals? It is seeming increasingly unlikely. However, I would like to believe that at least one party will rise above gutter politics and practice the politics of hope rather than the politics of fear. Maybe that party will be the NDP.

NewsBrief: Man Burns In-Box

POXWOOD, Nebraska: Returning to his office after an absence of several days, Joey Smalls of Poxwood, Nebraska, found his in-box full to overflowing and decided to set it on fire. He reduced three letters, seven corporate newsletters, five memos, two addenda, six action sheets, and one tax form to a smouldering pile of ashes.

His work has not suffered as a result, nor has the productivity of his organization declined. Smalls reported that his actions have resulted in a significant reduction in his anxiety.

"A flick of a Bic gets you out of a snit," he concluded.

Rapid Descent of Canada into Banana Republic Status Shocks Allies

NEW YORK: A hastily-scheduled emergency session of the United Nations opened in New York today as world leaders struggled to respond to Canada’s descent into banana republic status.

“When Edmonton MP, David Kilgour, sounded the alarm bell about Canada, we knew we had to do something,” said British Prime Minister, Tony Blair. “It’s frightening to see a once-proud nation fallen so low. When Kilgour asked how many countries are more corrupt than Canada, the answer, 198, unnerved me and indeed, the world.”

Leaders listened with palpable shock as the UN’s special envoys to Canada reported on the latest developments in that country. The picture they painted was one of chaos and confusion, as the so-called Adscam scandal that has rocked the ruling Martin regime spreads shockwaves of instability from coast to coast.

“Just this morning there were reports of a Ford Windstar rear-ending a school bus on the traffic circle at 142 Street in Edmonton,” reported Jimmy Kovathz, a UN envoy. “It was quite clear that the driver had been listening to news about Adscam on 630 CHED radio and in his unsettled state, was rendered incapable of obeying standard road rules. Fortunately, no children were killed, but one child did complain of whiplash.”

French president, Jacques Chirac responded to this account by saying, “We must do something for Canada, if only to save the children.”

In a sign of the social unrest triggered by Canada's widening crisis, Bruce Stibble, aged 34, from Toronto, was turned down for Employment Insurance benefits, having allegedly failed to meet the requirement for a minimum term of employment. According to reports, and his own observation, this was “undoubtedly” a result of the Martin regime being “too busy spending money on corruption instead of on social programs.” Now Stibble says he will have to sell his mountain bike to pay next month’s rent.

“What’s next?” asked a visibly-stunned Gerard Schroeder, from Germany. “Cannibalism?”

Meanwhile, in Quebec, the epicentre of the crisis, a huge crowd of 40 people gathered outside a branch of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce, demanding that the manager come out and exchange all of their Canadian dollars for US dollars. “We know very well that our currency has become worthless,” said Réjean Baptise. “American dollars are the only way to go now. And this is why we are so angry. We are ashamed of our country. Unless the government can start up another sponsorship program that funnels the wealth of every other province into ours, we are going to threaten to separate in a way you have only seen several hundred times before.”

Ministry Reluctantly Observes First National Day of Dullness

EDMONTON: The Ministry of Misinformation has designated April 11 as Canada’s National Day of Dullness. This is a day to grudgingly honour the tedious, boring and onerous activities that all citizens engage in for a substantial portion of their lives.

“Let this day stand as a drab tribute to the stale, the stodgy, and the wearisome,” said Ministry spokesman, Hum Drum. “It’s a day for lining up to buy stamps; cleaning the week’s worth of dishes; a workday of entering data into an Excel spreadsheet; or sitting in traffic for hours. That kind of drudgery unites us all. Today we raise a mug of lukewarm tea in honour of the commonplace.”

Drum also noted with a sigh that some people might find it relatively interesting that there are 46 synonyms for the word boring but only 45 for the word exciting.

To mark the first annual Day of Dullness, the Ministry has unwillingly organized a series of tiresome and rather pointless events:

1. A screening at the Metro Cinema of “Nearly Dead” – a retrospective of three decades’ worth of life insurance commercials. According to a reviewer who attended the Calgary screening: “I would rather have spent the afternoon at a geriatric ward.”

2. A monotonous and lifeless hike up Calgary Trail, starting at 23rd Avenue and ending at the strip mall on 79th Avenue, just prior to where the walk might have become interesting. According to an anonymous individual who completed the walk just yesterday: “The hour-long ordeal rewarded me with a mouthful of grit.”

3. A free open-air lunch at an unused lot of South Edmonton Common. Appetizers and entrees will consist of tofu, diet crackers and boiled lima beans. Tepid water will also be served. Sample meals previewed by seniors elicited such comments as: “At least the food didn’t exacerbate my ulcer”; “That might have been drywall” and “Why don’t they send the rest to the starving children of Africa?”

“The entire day promises to be entirely forgettable,” concluded Drum.

Number of Shags Catching Up with Number of Wanks

BELGRAVIA, Edmonton: According to a communiqué released today by Paul Mall, 26, an Edmonton native, the total number of shags he has engaged in currently stands at 129, which is only 1,700 short of his total number of wanks.

“I just finished tabulating the data and I am pleasantly surprised at the results,” said Mall. “I think it’s testimony to my growing maturity and life experience.”

Mall, who is a fourth year mathematics student at the University of Alberta, has used his computing and statistical skills to conduct some long-range projections. His number of shags stands to equal his number of wanks by the time he reaches 56 years of age, if he follows the pace of the last calendar year.

“After 2035, the shag line diverges in a dramatic fashion from the wank line,” Mall explained. “The shag line, to put it bluntly, goes through the roof. I’ve just got to keep up my recent performance.”

Mall reports that the improvement in the trajectory of his shag-to-wank ratio is due to having secured a long-term girlfriend last year. He credits her with introducing shags to his life at a rate of three shags “at a minimum” per week.

“Prior to that, the shag-to-wank ratio was pretty abysmal,” Mall admits. “2000 to 2003 were very lean years and it seemed unlikely that my shag rate would ever match my wank rate – let alone surpass it.”

Mall is taking his girlfriend out for dinner tonight to celebrate his success and, with a knowing wink, told reporters that afterwards, “we’re going back to my place to improve my statistical prowess!”

And the Next Pope is...

Bill Cosby! In a ministry-exclusive, the mysterious Cardinal X reveals all.

Ministry: Your choice of new pope is really going surprise some people. Explain.

X: There was what we call a schism forming in the Church. I had to slug Cardinal Innisrectum with a holy scroll. There’s the old guard versus the even older guard, and it’s a battle for the soul of the church… It was ugly. Jesus. I sustained an upper cut to the chops from somebody, but I don’t know who…

Ministry: Clash of the cardinals, indeed.

X: You might even call it the brawl in the basilica.

Ministry: Were there any fatalities?

X: Sadly no.

Ministry: And after all that… Bill Cosby? Pope Cosby the First? It’s an incredible moment.

X: You’re telling me. He wasn’t my idea. But the alternative… My God.

Ministry: Who was the alternative?

X: Some lunatic Nigerian who thought homos should have their winkles removed.

Ministry: Christ almighty…

X: Son, the Lord’s name…

Ministry: I’m sorry.

X: I mean… most of us think those things, but only some crazy African is going to actually say it.

Ministry: About removing winkles?

X: Yes.

Ministry: And what does Bill Cosby think on the winkle issue?

X: At least Cosby’s one black entertainer that keeps his hands on his own winkle, if you follow my drift.

Ministry: Loud and clear…

X: The last thing we need in the Church is another child-chaser…

Ministry: Amen to that, brother.

X: See, Bill Cosby still embodies family values to the world. That’s what we want. A lovable pope. A huggable pope. And, to be frank, a doper pope.

Ministry: Dope? The cardinals thought Cosby was dope?

X: Some of the younger ones watched his show in their youth.

Ministry: Maybe the show is hipper in Latin.

X: Come on, he’s a funny man this Mr. Cosby. And everyone likes to laugh… Listen, we figured it all out. This is how the Roman Catholic Church is going to get the remaining 5 billion of the 6 billion souls that aren’t ours yet. Hear me out. We did a Venn diagram. Over in this circle are all the non-converts. You know: the Jews, the Muslims, the Jansenists, the insect-avoiders and the other wingnuts. And over in this circle is everyone that likes to laugh. The incredible thing is, thanks to computer imaging, you can project how these two circles will intersect. And remarkably, they intersect perfectly. With longitudinal imaging, you can see how in as little as five years, every non-Catholic that likes to laugh has been converted to Catholicism. And that includes everyone… I mean everyone… With the sole exception of Laura Bush.

Ministry: Laura Bush doesn’t like to laugh?

X: What the hell does she have to laugh about?

Ministry: Good point. So anyway… You were saying?

X: Well I was pretty much finished, actually. You see now how Catholicism will finally prevail.

Ministry: Remarkable. All thanks to Cosby’s gift of the gags…

X: Believe it.

Ministry Offers its Condolences to the Pope

The following statement was issued by the Ministry today:

“We have just been informed that you have deceased. This was rather a shock. As you are undoubtedly aware, we were under the impression that you weren’t sick at all. We were convinced you were having us on and playing a bit of a prank. Imagine then the looks on our faces when we saw a picture of you ‘lying in state.’ Evidently you really did snuff it after all. We’re well sorry for ever suggesting otherwise. Although we applaud your enthusiasm for dog racing and the love of your life, Giertruda, we should not have implied you would fake your own death in order to pursue those interests. That said, it would’ve been sort of cool if you had, like, faked your own death. Don’t you think? What a laugh it would be if that inert body on the covers of newspapers worldwide were actually a body double with a really top-notch make-up job. Come to think of it, who – besides us of course – would even doubt for a second the identity of that corpse? Have you been fingerprinted? Did you leave a blood or urine sample or something just so we could check? What about a stool sample? Come on, you didn’t even arrange for a stool sample? Well anyways, I suppose that’s your call. You were, after all, the bossman of the big Church. You call the shots. And now you are no longer with us. Well, your body is with us, but the rest of you – that bit with the soul and all that – that bit is elsewhere. So, sorry about that. Unless of course you wanted to go. In which case, should we really be grieving? For all we know, you’re partying with the Lord and his posse and the tears of one billion Catholics are in vain. Isn't celebrating a better response than grieving? Maybe that’s a stupid question. What do we at the Ministry know about appropriate conduct during an interregnum? Well anyways. Whoever the next pope is will have some plenty big shoes to fill. That’s the general word amongst the Bible folk. So you must feel right proud of yourself. Good job on your papacy. We hope you’ve cashed in some major brownie points with the management upstairs. All our condolences. Please put in a good word for us.”

Pope “Faking it” – Sources

VATICAN CITY: An exhaustive twenty minute investigation has uncovered the shocking truth: the Pope’s ongoing medical complications are nothing more than an elaborate charade. Top-level papal experts interviewed for this Ministry-exclusive story even went so far as to say that Pope John Paul II is “faking it.”

“You should see the Pope as I’ve seen him,” said one source, on the condition of anonymity. “When he’s not shaking like some fragile leaf for the benefit of the public, he’s pogoing on his pogo stick in the Papal Pogoing Park.”

This news will undoubtedly shock the 1.02 billion Roman Catholics around the world who are currently in emotional turmoil and devoting most of their free time to praying, fiddling with rosaries, crying, and other ritualistic mumbo jumbo.

“I have two words for all those people,” said the source. “Get a new hobby!”

The expert sources reported that the Pope has becoming “fed up” with the whole “suffering for the Lord schtick” and is going to fake his own death in the very near future. This will free him up to pursue his true passion, betting on sports.

“Oh yes, the Pope loves to bet on the horses,” said one of the sources. “And he’s particularly partial to the dogs. Don’t be surprised if after his death, an old man with white hair and a Polish accent starts appearing down at the track routinely. He’s even raised his own greyhound, Chip, from a puppy. Chip will be entering the racing scene just as soon as the Pope is quote-unquote, dead.”

The sources also said that the Pope would like to be free to marry his long-time secret girlfriend, Giertruda, who was the “girl-next-door” in the Pope’s native town of Wadowice. Giertruda is now 83 years old and has been waiting approximately 60 years to “get it on” with the Pope.

“I am excited,” said Gietruda through a translator. “I even have pace-maker put in so the thrill it doesn’t make my heart go kaput.”