Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Smack Party Storms Ballots and Overturns Tory Win

In a stunning new political development, the upstart Smack Party has demanded a recount of the election results and has been rewarded with an overwhelming majority government. The results of every single riding were reversed, with all ballots cast in favour of the Conservatives, Liberals, NDP and Bloc ruled as “spoilt.”

“I’m ecstatic,” said the Smack Party’s leader, the Minister of Misinformation. “Ever since I was a wee lad mucking about with my marbles on the streets of London, I have dreamed of taking over another country. I always thought that the country in question would be somewhere sort of small and primitive – the kind of place inhabited by savages with bones through their noses. Only in my wildest dreams did I dream of becoming Canada’s next emper—I mean Prime Minister.”

The Smack Party was founded by the Minister shortly after he became the representative for Goat Piddle, Scotland, in the UK general election of 2005. (Refer to previous articles.) Then, as now, the Smack Party stands for “the administering of routine smacks to small children so that they grow up to be well-behaved and nice as opposed to loutish, violent and rude.” The Smack Party proved to be colossally popular among the residents of Goat Piddle, a small island west of the Hebrides in the North Atlantic. It was so popular, indeed, that unbeknownst to most Canadians, the Minister decided to enter his party into this country’s federal race last Friday.

“Getting a full slate of candidates was tough,” the Minister admitted. “But offering modest bribes helped. Most Canadians will work hard if you give them bon-bons as well as those weird vodka coolers that come in those bottles that are shaped like sperm, with smiley faces.”

Many critics credit the Smack Party with offering Canadians a brief yet concise policy platform, which is what Canadians have truly yearned for all these years. This is the whole thing:

Stern Smacks
[Law and Order Policy]
The administering of routine smacks to small children so that they grow up to be well-behaved and nice as opposed to loutish, violent and rude. As for those that have already grown up to be loutish, violent and rude, we will bring in even sterner smacks – the kind that leave nasty red marks on the buttocks and make it painful to sit down.

Sultry Smacks
[Health and Wellness Policy]
Canadian lovers (ie. man and wife) will receive tax credits for adhering to a policy of gently smacking each other in a seductive way that will lead to fornication. As everyone knows, fornication is a good cardiovascular exercise and an excellent stress relief. Estimated cost savings to Canada: $198 billion.

Space Smacks
[Defence Policy]
It’s no longer enough to rely on the Americans to protect all of North America. Canada must step up to the plate too. We recommend a defense shield in outer space consisting of a giant hand that will swat Cruise missiles aside like pesky flies.


Strong policy aside, the Smack Party also leans heavily on the charisma of its leader, the Minister of Misinformation. At today’s victory rally in Nisku, Alberta, the Minister admitted that “this party wouldn’t be where it is today without the strong support of my own efforts.”

The Minister, however, comes with a spicy soupcon of scandal in his past. Goat Piddle’s very own Millie McLegspreader says that the Minister “faithered me illegitimah kiddie-wink.”

Fortunately, most Canadians won’t understand the thick Scottish brogue that pollutes the speech of McLegspreader and her ilk, and so most of the vile stories circulating about the Minister will fall on deaf ears.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Harper: “We will hold back on the evil for at least six months”

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper has again sought to reassure nervous Canadians that if elected his party will adhere to a strict policy of appearing to be middle-of-the-road, for at least the short-term. It won’t be until the six-month mark that his Cabinet will get “seriously medieval” on everyone’s ass.

“Let’s call it a honeymoon of sorts,” said Harper. “February to July is when Canadians can expect a lot of seductive tax restructuring, a lot of sultry whispering about the Senate, and hot Parliamentary sessions about the need for discipline, punishment and handcuffs if you’ve been bad.”

The true desires of Harper’s Conservatives will be unleashed on the country in August, which is when many Canadians are on holiday – either physically, or mentally. So Harper has cunningly calculated that most people won’t figure out what his government is up to until, maybe, late 2007.

Among Harper’s evil plans are:

1. “National Beat-Up Grubbies Day”
This is a follow-up to the already-announced plan to repeal the Liberal tax cuts on low-income earners. National Beat-Up Grubbies Day is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. On February 28th, when Canadians are at their surliest (having suffered most of winter and on the verge of filing their tax returns) all of the homeless shelters will be obliged to open their doors so that ordinary citizens can unleash their pent-up frustrations on the poor. Canadians will be allowed to use crowbars and baseball bats but not firearms. All the same, Harper is convinced that many people, especially Albertans, will get a real kick out of kicking people when they’re down.

“There’s nothing like the feel of a grubby man’s face under your boot,” said Harper. “Take it from me.”

Harper said that Alberta Premier Ralph Klein is the inspiration behind most of his particularly fun ideas.

“He is leagues ahead of anyone in this country in his calculated mistreatment of the downtrodden,” said Harper, flashing his boyish grin. “Just look at the way he thumbed his nose at his own laws in denying AISH recipients the benefits they were entitled to. And the admirable way he managed to hide his nefariousness from Albertans during an election. And the cunning way he settled the lawsuit out of court at a cost of only $100 million. That takes balls! I bet he really enjoyed it, especially when one of those grubby losers had to eat porcupine roadkill!”

2. “Dismember Kittens Day”
Harper said his advisors have not yet decided on the best day for this. Then he shrugged and flashed his winning smile again.

“Hell,” he said. “Any day is a good day for dismembering a kitten!”

3. Establishing the “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours”
This is perhaps the most ambitious of Harper’s plans. The “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours” has been criticized by Harper’s detractors for being a euphemistic title. They say Harper is trying to hide the full extent of his plan from Canadians, who are likely find it less palatable than any of his other ideas. The newly-created Office of Friendliness to Neighbours will explore ways of proving to our American neighbours that we really admire them – revere them, really. It will recommend to government ways of proving to Americans how much we want to please them. It might suggest, for example, yet another national holiday to add to all the others, called “Bend Over for Our Big Brothers Day." On this day, Canadians will line up on the American border and bend over. Live media will carry pictures of Canadians in this non-aggressive posture. This footage will be shared with FOX, ABC, NBC, and CBS. Meanwhile, Harper will make a speech about this important “symbolic gesture” and will express the hope that Americans will forget all the horrible things Canadians did to Americans under the regime of Chrétien and Martin.

The “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours” will also focus on more practical day-to-day policies that will help convince Americans that we will do anything to keep them satisfied. For example, it will provide tax incentives to Canadians who sell any natural resource, such as a lake, to an American, for less than its actual value. It will also offer American CEOs of successful companies such as Enron invaluable tax shelters. Harper thinks this is a vital move because the American government can sometimes get “a little over-zealous with its regulations and whatnot.”

“We’ve got lots of places where we can hide the profits of successful American entrepreneurs,” said Harper. “Provided their profits are in cash, we can simply dig giant holes and bury it like pirates do with their treasure. Once the heat is off, the Americans can retrieve it – no questions asked. I can think of many vast, desolate expanses in this country which can easily be transformed into giant cash-burying pits. Nunavut, for example. No one important lives there.”

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Religious Round-up!

The Ministry of Misinformation has searched the globe for the latest and most exciting religious stories. We’ve nailed them to this webpost for you to look at, jeer at, and marvel at!

God Finds Stampeding Humans Amusing
This week’s entertaining events at Mecca are sure to give God a good chuckle. It is estimated that 345 Muslim pilgrims died when they stampeded toward the stone walls of the al-Jamarat – one of Islam’s holiest shrines. This year’s total surpasses last year’s of 245.

The Ministry’s man in Mecca – veteran, grizzled and hard-bitten reporter Bill Sykes –brought us an exclusive interview with one of the trampled pilgrims mere seconds before he died.

“This is the crowning moment of my life,” said Akhbar Al-Jared Fayed Dodi, of Cairo, Egypt. “Whenever a man of faith can die in the service of God, it brings honour on him and his family. For me, death is the goal of life!”

It is widely believed among religious people that God gets a real kick out of people sacrificing themselves to Him. Some believe he does loud handclaps and fist-pumps whenever another Islamic fundamentalist detonates himself in a busy market square in Jerusalem, or when an Orthodox Evangelical Christian blows up another abortion clinic in Georgia. The handclaps and fist-pumps are what create our weather: thunder and hurricanes and the like! Praise Be to God for the weather!

Ariel Sharon: He’ll soon be dead, but according to Pat Robertson and God, he had it coming

Israel’s Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, has suffered a massive stroke and might even be dead by the time you read this. It’s hard for the Ministry to be as current and topical as CNN or FOX because we don’t have their resources. (If you want to help build a new media empire, please make a pledge to us. We’ll give you a piece of collectible swag, such as a vintage Ministry of Misinformation propeller hat.)

Anyway, back to the dying Israeli prime minister story. Television evangelist Pat Robertson says Sharon’s stroke is “divine retribution” for withdrawing from the Gaza Strip last year. It seems that despite his endearing sense of humour (see above) God has a darker, edgier side, and will smite people who do things that he doesn’t agree with. Pat Robertson, who is privy to the workings of God’s brain, says that God objects to the Israelis having parted with some of His land. You see, now that the Palestinians own the land, it no longer belongs to God – it belongs instead to God’s chief rival, Allah. So that’s why God is trying to even the score by attempting to kill Ariel Sharon, a Jew. God is unconvinced that what is Allah’s is also His. Pat Robertson is convinced that a Jewish politician should suffer the fall-out of this confusion. Perfectly clear? We thought so.

And last but not least: Scientology is really silly!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Edmonton to Pioneer Use of Hover Cars

The mayor of Edmonton, Stephen Mandel, has announced that the River City is going to be the first in North America to pioneer the use of hover cars.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Mandel, his eyes glittering like those of a child on Christmas morning. “My fellow councilors do not agree with me, but they are a bunch of small-minded stick-in-the-muds.”

Mandel’s draft proposal, entitled “Why Hover Cars Would Make a Great City Even Greater” was circulated among the assembled journalists at the mayor’s hastily-scheduled news conference. There was only one copy of the proposal, scrawled on a napkin, which meant the news conference took over an hour. The napkin illustrates a futuristic Edmonton, looking much like the Los Angeles in Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner, with huge buildings belching fire, and nifty hover cars jetting around in the air, driven by stickmen and women who all wear uniformly exuberant smiles on their faces. A speech bubble depicts one of the stickmen saying, “Wheeeee!”

“Are you for real?” asked a reporter for the Edmonton Journal.

“I’m more for real than you are,” Mandel retorted, displaying a rare moment of irritation. “Let’s imagine for a second what this city of the future will be like. I did some calculations and figured out that when you allow traffic circulation in the air as well as the ground, you increase the amount of commutable space by approximately 11,756,999 per cent. Provided you don’t go into the atmosphere, where even a hover car will burn up and perish, you are set. I mean, Edmontonians are set.”

Mayor Mandel also wants Edmonton to pioneer the use of military bunkers. This is a contingency plan in case Calgary becomes so jealous of our hover cars that they use their superior size and strength to invade us. Mandel has costed out the plan of buying enough bunkers for Edmonton as being approximately $904 billion dollars, with each bunker costing $76,000, not including the cost of shipping the bunkers from the plant in Florida – which at current gas prices is over $3 US per mile.

A reporter asked why, given the huge expense of importing bunkers, Mandel doesn’t simply start a bunker-manufacturing company here in Edmonton? That would be a potential boon to the local economy, and ensure full employment.

Mandel paused for a moment and pondered. He eventually smiled. “That’s a great idea,” he replied. “I like your line of thinking. I will implement that idea ASAP.”

Mandel continued to elaborate on his bunker concept. He explained that he had conducted thorough research on bunkers via the “Interwebnet.” The most prestigious bunker manufacturer, American Bunkers, makes a model called “The Guardian.” The Guardian can withstand floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, and terrorist attacks.

“It occurs to me that The Guardian could even withstand a hover car crashing into it by accident,” said Mandel.

“What we’ll do is obtain the blueprint for the Guardian, and licensing rights to build several hundred thousand right here in Edmonton. I think it’s a swell idea.”

Mandel then fired his current advisor on the spot, and hired instead the anonymous reporter who had suggested a bunker plant for Edmonton.

“You are a think-out-of-the-box kind of guy,” said Mandel. “In that respect, you are much like me.”

The reporter’s new salary will be $76,000 per annum. Your humble correspondent from the Ministry of Misinformation is not jealous. Not at all. He is not scheming of ways to make the reporter “disappear” and then take his place. Not even for a second.