Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I’m going to win this election with my smile – Harper

Stephen Harper staged a news conference today to unveil what his Conservative Party considers to be its biggest weapon in the war to win the hearts and minds of Canadians: Stephen Harper’s smile.

“When people see me smile, they forget – albeit temporarily – that I am an alien sent from another planet to harvest your organs,” said Harper.

Harper admitted that learning to smile has been a slow and difficult process for him. The leader first used his levator labii (a mouth muscle used for raising the upper lip) in 2003, upon being elected to chief of the Conservative party. This was after a crack team of smile experts conducted an intensive psychological technique on him known as “imprinting.” Harper was first subjected to a torturous process intended to break him down and reduce him to a blubbering infant. In this beleaguered state, Harper watched 100 hours of choice Ronald Reagan clips, wherein the star of “Bedtime for Bozo” brandished his endearing smile, and Harper, with an expression of joy on his face, emulated it.

Sadly, however, while imprinting creates lifelong instincts in lower-level organisms such as mallards, grebes and other ducks, its effects are only fleeting when it comes to the inhabitants of the planet Argon (Harper’s birthplace) who are so much more advanced than humans that they make our species race like greyhounds for the amusement of the Argonian overlords.

“Yes, the effects of imprinting lasted only two days,” admitted Harper. “However, more rigorous visualization exercises have helped to revive my smile’s potency.”

To achieve the stunning smile that Canadians have come to expert from Harper on a monthly basis, the night before public appearances the arch-Conservative prepares with visualization exercises. These consist of imagining scenarios that make him happy and put a big, fat smile on his otherwise sinister face.

Some of Harper’s most successful visualizations include:

… Tax breaks for the rich; tax hikes for people he likes to call “grubbies”
…Kittens eating big juicy tuna steaks that someone has cunningly stuffed full of broken glass!
…The ghost of Ronald Reagan eating Paul Martin’s pancreas
…The clear, pristine mountains of Argon
…Sex with Ann Coulter

At this point, Harper burst into song. He was singing, “These are just a few of my favourite things,” from the Sound of Music, but had cleverly changed the lyrics to reflect his own preferences. The assembled journalists were scared and wanted to leave, but Harper threatened them with an Argonian Human-Liquefying Ray-Gun ™.

“Nobody moves until I’m done singing,” he screamed.

Pundits are predicting that Harper will not be able to maintain his breakneck pace of campaigning and smiling and will collapse from exhaustion at least a week prior to election day on January 23rd, at which point, his skin will melt away to reveal his reptilian scales.

This week’s election score:

Liberals 10
Conservatives Nil

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Who is the World's Ugliest Human?

In honour of the passing away yesterday of the world’s ugliest dog – Sam, a Chinese crested hairless – the Ministry of Misinformation is pleased to announce a commemorative event that is sure to become an occasion. The search is on for the World’s Ugliest Human.

Will it be a freak from the Mogwai tribe in Borneo, freshly plucked from a swamp with a frog still hanging out of his mouth? Will it be mutant from the Gilli-Gilli clan in Swaziland, complete with a bone through his nose and live caterpillars in his hair? Or will it be a slothful Alabaman, stupefied and dull-witted from fried chicken and Big Bear? Whoever it is will assuredly be overjoyed to receive a cash prize of $500,000 and a trip to the surgeon to give them some likeness of a human being.

Millionaire Canadian tycoon, Vincent Brown, who was recently released from jail on fraud charges, is organizing the exciting contest. The Ministry reached him at his luxury home in Victoria, BC.

“The true star of this show is the worldwide TV audience,” said Brown. “They have the power and privilege of catapulting an anonymous and ashamed individual into the harsh spotlight of global ridicule.”

The Ministry went on assignment to a sign-up booth on Easter Island, notorious for its hideous and misshapen inhabitants. The line-up to enter the contest numbered 112 islanders.

“I hope one of us wins, even if it isn’t me,” said Jizkowa through his deformed and seemingly inflated lips. “It will erase the bad memories of our civilization having destroyed itself two centuries ago. It will bring new commerce and trade to our homeland, as tourists flock to see us cavort in our ugly splendour.”

“No one should be ashamed of being loathsome in appearance,” concluded Brown. “If it means worldwide fame, plus cold hard cash, where’s the harm in losing your dignity? Everyone else on TV is doing it – fat people, gays, former celebrities. Why not the uglies?”

… Do YOU know an ugly human? Enter his or her name into our exciting contest.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Opposition Announces Plan to Ruin Your Christmas

Scarcely able to restrain their glee, the three federal Opposition parties today convened in Ottawa to announce their plan to ruin your Christmas. The leaders of the Conservative Party (aka, the Dour No-Parties Party), the NDP (aka, the Giggling Surrealists) and the Bloc Quebecois (aka, the Canada = Merde Party) were in uniformly buoyant spirits.

“I haven’t had this much fun since devising a new capital gains tax cut policy,” said Stephen Harper, attempting his improved customer-friendly smile. “I think of all the Canadians who like to drink rum and eggnog and eat butter tarts at this time of year – clouding their judgment with booze and sugar – and I think to myself there is no better time for them to make an important decision regarding our country’s future.”

At this point, Jack Layton from the Giggling Surrealists interrupted, because he had remained silent for forty-five seconds, which makes it difficult for him to breathe.

“Gilli gilli gilli!” he exclaimed euphorically. Then, upon realizing that his inner-child is not yet widely understood by the media, switched to his second tongue, ENGLISH! “Healthcare, children, say no to clubbing seals, hug yourself, hug your grandma, don’t eat meat with steroids. Cycle to work. Cycle to Florida. We will build a bicycle that goes to the moon in our first ninety days.”

The assembled journalists chuckled. But then blue-eyed Gilles Duceppe gave them a good talking to and scolded them as they deserved.

“Vile oppressors,” he bellowed. “The English are fascists. Remember all the obscure times in Canadian history when they did nasty things to us? We will have nothing to do with the fascist English. We are French and the French are our heroes. Look how marvelously they’ve run their country. It’s paradise on earth, as we all know.”

The assembled journalists wondered briefly why Duceppe was out of touch with reality, but then remembered that he was a separatist, and thought nothing further of it.

Jack Layton had remained silent for thirty seconds here, and was turning red.

“Each snowflake is unique, like every Canadian is unique,” he said, helpfully.

“When I become Prime Minister, I’m going to outlaw fey and effeminate observations like that,” concluded Mr. Harper.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The French are Revolting

Pierrefitte-Sur-Seine, FRANCE: According to the Interior Minister of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, the only way to deal with the immigrants who are setting fire to vast swathes of Paris and many other French cities is to treat them even tougher than any of your predecessors treated them.

“If I learnt anything in politics school, it’s that immigrants, much like animals, are best locked up in cages and poked with sticks. Funny things happen if you do that. For example, once I was poking this rabid dog, whose name incidentally was Domenic, and he bared his teeth ferociously at me, and tried to chew off my fingers. But I laugh at him because he was so silly! Who does this dog think I am? He should know I am too quick for him.... Like a bolt of lightning, I maced him. And then I hosed down his cage until he almost drowned. That settled him down for at least three hours.”

“You see,” Sarkoazy continued, relishing his fourth glass of 1999 Chateau du Camarsac, “My opponents are such softies that they couldn’t even drown an earthworm, let alone an Algerian… That is why I am the strongest candidate to be the next French president, because I am the strongest, and everyone knows it.”

Sarkozy reacted strongly to the suggestion that his police crackdown on the riots were only further fanning the flames of discontent and anger.

“As everyone knows, I am a strong admirer of Anglo-Saxon solutions to French problems, and there is a uniquely Anglo-Saxon expression that I apply to this context. ‘If it ain’t broke, then break it.’ That applies to the heads of rioters everywhere. They won’t be rioting anymore if the police crack the skulls of every last one of them. It’s only logic, non?”